An American Christmas

So this past weekend, I took Wayne back home with me for the Christmas holiday. It was his first American Christmas - it was his first Christmas in general (and please no "oh you popped Wayne's cherry" comments. that's just nasty). I guess that the concept of Christmas, ie giving presents to people and "half"-people, is just now starting to become popular in China, and he is too old to have experienced anything similar to the December holiday that brings families together. I should also mention that this was also his first time riding in a car for more than 1.5 hours and it was his first time in Hays. Wow, a lot of firsts. Well I quickly introduced him to that popular Hays treat, snowballs, and he got to see what Christmas is really all about - street football and throwing your arm out trying to outdistance your brother. Needless to say, that, although it was not Wayne's first time playing catch with a football, you sure wouldn't recognize that it wasn't. He was best at catching the football when he first blocked it up into the air, similar to a hot volleyball girl in her tight shorts digging out a shot or whatever it's called, then catching the ball. Throwing to Wayne became more of a comedic performance than trying to advance the ball down our asphalt field. I felt bad overall because Wayne had only one gift to open (Final Fantasy X for PS2), and he couldn't even use it until we got back to Lawrence. I think by the end of the weekend he had gained the requisite 5 pounds from partaking in the American tradition of overeating, and we both felt better about that. Overall, I judge the weekend to be a humonginormous success. Except the drive home, when he refused breath-freshening gum.

He's a butt guy

It's happened to everyone, or so we thought....
Man 1-Hey Wayne, don't you hate it when you don't wipe so well, so your ass is itchy all day?
Wayne-What are you talking about?
1-You know, you take a shit, don't wipe as well as you should have, and regret it the rest of the day.
W-No, that never happens to me.
1-Oh, you're a good buttwiper? You're so gay!
W-I'm not gay! You're gay!
1-Ok then, at least admit that you masterbate.
W-I don't do that. That's gross.
1-So you've never whacked off, ever?
W-No!
1-Wayne, you're so gay. You like touching hineys!
W-I'M NOT GAY!
1-Ok fine, you're not gay. But you're still a liar.
W-I'm not lying about the butt thing.

A Buffet

-Chickenburgs
-Whoppaw's
-Personal Pan Pizza, topped with honey
-Arby's Beef and Cheddar (Arby's stock continues to rise logarithmacly, thanks mostly in part to their sales in one Lawrence KS store)
-A muffin and chips (here, chips = french fries. Why fries are ever referred to as chips is ridiculous. It must be the British's fault.)
-Chinese buffet (which, oddly enough, doesn't seem to fit this pattern)
What do these 5 items have in common? Well, this list contains the only things that Wayne can be seen eating during the noontime meal. Although you would think meals like these would swell a man to 40 inch waists, thus far his Chinese genes have been mostly resistant to American meals. Weird.

Meals added
-Meatball sub (Dec. 20, 2005)

GOTY: Game Of The Year

The Matchup: Wayne versus labmate Chris in a simple game of roundball. First to 11, by 1's and 2's.
Wager: $0.25 for Wayne (wagered by labmate Jack). A simple measure of pride for Chris
Odds: Chris 12:1
Results:
The intense rivalry has begun. The game started close, with Wayne holding a commanding 0-0 tie. Unfortunately, that would be as close as he would get. Final score: 11-2. It should also be noted that one of Wayne's 2 baskets was the result of a partial tip of that shot. Nothing like blocking someone's shot into the basket to boost morale.
This game was setup to prove one point and one point only: experience with the ladies does not translate into basketball skills. Seriously, you should see Wayne's pimp hand. Simply breathtaking how smooth he is with the ladies.

Racism: A Novella by The Man

"Hey, I won't talk to you because you're not white"
"Hey, you won't talk to me because I'm not white"
Are these two statements fundamentally different? Well, ok yes they probably are, or maybe not. I'm not an English major, so suck it. Simply put though, I find it ironic in life how the issue of racism is discussed and viewed in our world. Because, in reality, I won't talk to you because your breath smells like my ass, not because you're from the streets of Compton, or the suburbs of Shanghai (which brings me to a small tangent. Is it really a suburb if it contains more than a million people? Wayne's hometown, in which he called "a small town", still listed over 3 million people as residents. Hmm, simply amazing.) and I'm from the mega-city of Hays America. Ok, probably just Hays, Kansas, and it's not a city at all, except when the rodeo's in town.
Back on point. A comment was made by our subject during one of our typical, rousing afternoon conversations. "Only white people can be racist" explained Wayne. Is that a real viewpoint? I suppose here the reasonings behind his "observation" are completely moot points. But that leads me to the conclusion of this piece: those yellow marshmellows that you get at Easter time taste better than the green ones. Oh, and white people have no reason to be racist, because we're the best, except for running.
*Disclaimer: that last sentence was only a joke, and if you take it seriously, you have entirely proven the point.

The Comeback Kid

*Disclaimer: Names changed to protect identities
Dr. J - "Hey Xayne, I bet your balls have a lot of freedom in those sweats, huh?"
Xayne the Hubinator - "Yeahh!"
Dr. J - "But then again, I bet you balls have a lot of freedom in your Speedo too."
Xayne - "Yeah right, yours do!"
As you can see, Xayne's creativeness is mirrored only by his punctuality.