Mistaken Identity

Many people may not know this fact: Wayne's real name is not Wayne but Xingxian. You can imagine how difficult that is to pronounce on a regular basis. Plus, being able to "rename" someone has a fun and somewhat commanding power to it. In a rare display of comedic neglect, we gave Xingxian the American name of Wayne. Not to say that Wayne is not completely fitting, as certainly he is what one would picture as a "Wayne". However, wouldn't Richard Gu have been funnier? DOH! Therefore, he will now be known as Wayne Richard Gu, or Dick Gu for short.

The Friday Tradition

As has become the Friday norm around the lab at 5051 Malott, lunch happens at the King Buffet, our favorite, cheap Chinese buffet. After helping ourselves to a smorgasboard of MSG (ok I don't know if they really use that stuff or not, but dang is it good!), the obviously Asian waiter/waitress places the bill on the table along with fortune cookies. Inside most of these cookies are the all-too usual "You will be prosperous in life if you want to be" fortunes and lucky numbers. I have found that rarely are these numbers lucky, but cost me a dollar in Powerball in the long run. On the reverse side of the slip of paper is our favorite section, "Learn Chinese", or as we like to say, "Wayne really isn't from China as he doesn't even know his own language". In this game, we (the Americans), pronounce the chinese words and then Wayne must guess their English meaning. Only once in his career has he topped the 50% mark. Each turn generally ends with a "Ah baseball bat, yeah that is baseball bat" from Wayne after we correct his mistake. This game never gets old.
Recently, at the King, we discovered one of those quarter-for-a-piece-of-junk-plastic-thing-in-a-plastic-ball dispensing machines that, for a quarter, would give you "Golden Bling". Wayne now has 3 golden dollar signs hanging from his rearview mirror (and yes, riding in a car with him driving is as scary as it sounds. I seriously think we could charge thrillseekers to ride with him and make a lotta money, cause it's dangerous. How he got his license is probably the same way that your great-grandmother got hers), and recently got a small ring.
Me-Wow Wayne, that ring is pretty small. I bet it would make a nice toering.
Wayne-No I won't do that.
M-Come on, it'll be funny. Ok, then how about a cock ring. I bet you could use it as a cock ring.
W-Come on man, that isn't funny. You can use it as a cock ring!
M-Um no, it's wayyyy too small buddy.
W-Yeah see, it's too small to fit around an erect penis.
M-Dude it ain't ever fitting around my dick. I bet you can use it though.
W-Ahh, probably no.

Presidents and Assholes

Our last night in Colorado was spent drinking. I think it's safe to say we drank enough that night to make up for our lack of drinking the previous nights. Why didn't we drink the other two nights? Well, maybe it's because we were tired, or because we have huge vaginas. Whatever the reason, we got drunk. At the end of this article, I'll post the link to pictures from our trip. But first, the stories behind this phenomenal night.
Before one can begin a good night of drinking, obviously they must take shots, and not good shots. Shots of alcohol people generally scoff at, or throw up in their mouths. Our shot of choice for the night was Hot Damn, or "Honey Wine" as Wayne called it. The bottle had been in the freezer to cool it down, and either the Hot Damn really was just spicy water, or the freezer was absolutely amazing. We chose to warm the liquor as you would a baby's bottle, on the stove in a bath of water. After doing our shots, we moved on to drinking games. I believe that the pictures visualize this description. After going through the deck of Hooters cards and sorting into hot or not, we played some Fuck the Dealer. Next we moved to P&A, with the only standing rule being that the president, "elected" for consecutive terms, was able to make up a rule. (One of my personal favorites is the "little man rule", in case anyone cares.) After I was elected consecutively, and made up the "Wayne out of control rule", as he had been getting a little rowdy at certain points during the night when he was supposed to drink, but didn't think that we were being fair. In his defense, we certainly were not being fair. But as the rule stated, if someone thought that he was getting a little too rambunctious, we would have a democratic vote. In our system of checks and balances, Wayne, if determined to be out of control, would be forced to drink 4, while everyone else had to drink 1. Fair? Maybe. An excuse to get Wayne to drink when any one of us felt we hadn't drank in awhile? Certainly. Well, by the end of the night, Wayne was drunk, the fourth place person had to take a shot of Hot Damn, and the third place person had to wear the pink goggles and have their picture taken numerous times. Then we went to the bars, and Wayne ordered "Sex with an Alligator". It looked really gross. But then he went out and did something like hit on a girl, and totally redeemed himself!

http://ku.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2018080&l=16b70&id=16804651

He's just growing up so fast (sniffle sniffle)

After scoping out all the babes, he finally found one. In for the kill he was. He narrowed down his moves, practiced a little, checked out the physique in the bathroom mirror, then knew it was time. Like an eagle focusing on his kill, he swooped in, making conversation and focusing on the goal. Clearly, he was a hit. The girl smiled a lot, and responded to every inquiry the eagle made. By the end of the night, he had a new-found sense of being, knowing that he does have that "killer instinct" necessary to make girls interested in him; he was the man, and he had just discovered it. After buying the girl a drink and continuing their light conversation for a minute longer, he packed it up with a smile, knowing he had just made some girl's night a little more interesting.

Colorado...part 1

*Note: This will hopefully be the first of many posts chronicling the journey to the wonderful world of Colorado.

Me - So Wayne, what are you looking forward to the most about Colorado?
The Gu - Well, man, I don't know if I can say it out loud right now.
Me - Oh come on, what is it?
Gu - Ok, well actually I'm looking forward to the chicks, man.

And finally, we know that he at least looks at girls.

The Bung-Bung song (Note: contains profanity)

After a day in lab in which nothing he tried seemed to work, Wayne decided to call it a day and go home. However, once he got to his car at 5:50pm, he saw that there was a ticket on his windshield from not removing his car from the parking lot on time. KU had a basketball game that night, so all cars had to be removed from the lot by 5:30pm. While this is an merely an inconvienence for most, it is a complete disaster for Wayne. Apparently, after his earlier disappointment in the day from the chemical company sending him the incorrect chemical, he was not in a good mood. He talked to the parking lot officials and got his ticket revoked. This is the phone call that ensued only minutes after the parking lot experience.

The Gu - Hey man, what are you doing?
Me - Just leaving the parking lot, getting ready to go watch the games on tv. You wanna go?
Gu - Um, maybe. You know what, those fucking sons-of-bitches gave me a parking ticket.
Me - Whoa wait what? Why did you get one?
Gu - Well those fucking assholes gave me a ticket. But I didn't see the parking sign in the morning.
Me - Oh, so did you get it taken care of?
Gu - Yeah, I got those mother fuckers to take care of it. I don't have it anymore.
Me - Well that's a relief. Good work.
Gu - And you know what else? That fucking company sent me the wrong shit.
Me - Oh, so did you call them?
Gu - Yeah, I called those fucking sons-of-bitches. And they said they don't know what's going on. I have to fucking call them tomorrow.
Me - Well, at least you have a plan. So you wanna go over to Jared and Tim's to watch the game?
Gu - Um, yeah I'll go just let me go to Arby's first.
Me - Ok hurry though.