Gifter ideas

Need help finding that special gift for Wayne? Allow me to help you out.

1). Common sense
2). A shirt with quotation marks on it. If you've ever been around Wayne when he's drunk, you understand this one.
3). Condoms, so he doesn't have to go buy them himself
4). He has no cable, but a tv and Ps2. Why no cable? Because the cable line in his apt. is so old it just don't work. Weird. He also spends his weekends working in the lab because he has nothing at home to do. Buy him Everybody Loves Raymond DVD set, or the cheapest ps2 game you can find, something ridiculous like Dino-chop 4. Sure to keep him busy for hours
5). New clothes, any new clothes that make him look more American. Sadly, after 2+ years in America, he still dresses like he just got off the boat. I personally recommend a Daunte Culpepper Minnesota Vikings' jersey
6). Some shot glass that looks really small, but really holds a very large amount of liquor. Lately he can't have 3 drinks before he's hammered, so maybe by tricking him into thinking he's only drank a small amount, he won't wuss out / pass out.
7). Popular cd choices: Sheryl Crow, Mariah Carey, Styx, Rush, Dr. Dre, Snoop Dogg, or any other old school rap (no really, he loves this stuff), Eminem, or finally, Nickelback
8). A Chinese dictionary. In the 2 years we've played the "Fortune cookie translation game", he's only been able to correctly identify about 33% of these words. Makes me wonder where he's really from, because he sure doesn't know Chinese that well aka he's definitely some government spy
9). Arby's coups, especially ones for Beef 'n Cheddars
10). New glasses*
11). Knowledge of a basketball team other than Yao or Tracy McGrady
12). Receivers gloves. Or maybe a volleyball. After watching him try to play football catch, I really think he missed his calling as a volleyball player. If only he was taller than 5'5"
13). Tic-tacs
14). If all else fails, get him Pirates of the Caribbean. He likes them pirates!

Please feel free to email me at idontgiveashitwhatyouthinkwaynereallydoeslikeboys@gmail.com to suggest other Christmas ideas.


*Note: Currently uses tape to hold together front of glasses. Very nerdy.

Because Cummings is a Pimp

Really, these were actual words from Wayne's mouth. Josh Cummings is a pimp. That makes me sick. Further, he went on to explain how Josh gets with lots of girls. Also, Wayne explained that Josh is an "attractive man, which helps him get girls". I won't comment further.

The Spletstoser Special

Taken from a very recent conversation.

Wayne: Man you'll never believe it. My rotovap* is working really well and not even bumping.
Me: Wow, that's pretty good. Are you gonna go jerk off now cause you're so happy?
W: Well I will later.
M: You're one sick fuck, talking about jerking off all the time.
W: Well I will lower it later.
M: What, lower it? Lower the flask into the water? No, that's not what I asked. I asked if you were going to jerk off since you're so happy about this.
W: What does jerking off have to do with it?
M: Well, you're happy, so maybe you wanted to. I was just asking a question.
W: I will later.
M: Ok this is just getting out of hand. You obviously don't know what I was saying.
W: No, I diiid. I can jerk off in 3 months if I want to from remembering this.
M: Only you would jerk off thinking about how efficiently your rotovap is working. Sicko!

*For any non-chemists that read this blog, of which I am currently unaware of, a rotovap is a super cool device we use to remove solvent from our product. You know when you cook meat in the oven too long, and it dries out. Well, the dried meat is our desired product, and the oven is working as the rotovap is. That's a bad example, but sufficient.


On a quasi-related sidenote, although it's never funny (mostly it's just gross) to walk in on someone beating off, wouldn't it kind of be funny to walk in on Wayne?

Also, lately he seems very much more open to talking about jerking off. This is in stark contrast to when I first met this man-child. Back then, he would get extremely angry if you asked him about it and just vehemetly deny it the whole time. Now though, he just rolls with the punches when you tease him and laughs in a very odd, creepy manner. Luckily he doesn't go into details about what kind of "pron" he watches. I have a feeling that he never jerked off in China and just started to in America. He's probably in that "15 year old" stage, jerking off every waking minute anyone's not around.