Because lottery tickets are too slow

One thing I will never hesitate to call Wayne is a dreamer, or not full of ingenious ideas. He still has soccer dreams and playing for his hometown team of Manchester United. He still dreams of being part of Yao's entourage. He still dreams of becoming a good chemist. And finally, he still dreams of being rich. I suppose a lot of us dream of having money so that's not as far-fetched.
Every few weeks Wayne will indulge me with his latest idea for making lots of money. Oddly, they generally revolve around space. Here are the two ideas I can remember:
1) Build an elevator to the moon. Someday, people will need to be able to get to the moon quickly and won't want to travel in a space ship. It would be just like taking the elevator in the office every day. Only you're going to the moon.
2) Become a space garbage collector. We all know that in the not-so-distant future, and even now perhaps, space trash is a huge concern. There is so much trash left behind from old satellites and space voyages that it will someday block out our view of the sun and take our planet into a self-induced ice age. Apparently us humans are as messy in space as we are on Earth, and we need to do something about it!


I really hope that I get to continue updating this one!

Gifter ideas

Need help finding that special gift for Wayne? Allow me to help you out.

1). Common sense
2). A shirt with quotation marks on it. If you've ever been around Wayne when he's drunk, you understand this one.
3). Condoms, so he doesn't have to go buy them himself
4). He has no cable, but a tv and Ps2. Why no cable? Because the cable line in his apt. is so old it just don't work. Weird. He also spends his weekends working in the lab because he has nothing at home to do. Buy him Everybody Loves Raymond DVD set, or the cheapest ps2 game you can find, something ridiculous like Dino-chop 4. Sure to keep him busy for hours
5). New clothes, any new clothes that make him look more American. Sadly, after 2+ years in America, he still dresses like he just got off the boat. I personally recommend a Daunte Culpepper Minnesota Vikings' jersey
6). Some shot glass that looks really small, but really holds a very large amount of liquor. Lately he can't have 3 drinks before he's hammered, so maybe by tricking him into thinking he's only drank a small amount, he won't wuss out / pass out.
7). Popular cd choices: Sheryl Crow, Mariah Carey, Styx, Rush, Dr. Dre, Snoop Dogg, or any other old school rap (no really, he loves this stuff), Eminem, or finally, Nickelback
8). A Chinese dictionary. In the 2 years we've played the "Fortune cookie translation game", he's only been able to correctly identify about 33% of these words. Makes me wonder where he's really from, because he sure doesn't know Chinese that well aka he's definitely some government spy
9). Arby's coups, especially ones for Beef 'n Cheddars
10). New glasses*
11). Knowledge of a basketball team other than Yao or Tracy McGrady
12). Receivers gloves. Or maybe a volleyball. After watching him try to play football catch, I really think he missed his calling as a volleyball player. If only he was taller than 5'5"
13). Tic-tacs
14). If all else fails, get him Pirates of the Caribbean. He likes them pirates!

Please feel free to email me at idontgiveashitwhatyouthinkwaynereallydoeslikeboys@gmail.com to suggest other Christmas ideas.


*Note: Currently uses tape to hold together front of glasses. Very nerdy.

Because Cummings is a Pimp

Really, these were actual words from Wayne's mouth. Josh Cummings is a pimp. That makes me sick. Further, he went on to explain how Josh gets with lots of girls. Also, Wayne explained that Josh is an "attractive man, which helps him get girls". I won't comment further.

The Spletstoser Special

Taken from a very recent conversation.

Wayne: Man you'll never believe it. My rotovap* is working really well and not even bumping.
Me: Wow, that's pretty good. Are you gonna go jerk off now cause you're so happy?
W: Well I will later.
M: You're one sick fuck, talking about jerking off all the time.
W: Well I will lower it later.
M: What, lower it? Lower the flask into the water? No, that's not what I asked. I asked if you were going to jerk off since you're so happy about this.
W: What does jerking off have to do with it?
M: Well, you're happy, so maybe you wanted to. I was just asking a question.
W: I will later.
M: Ok this is just getting out of hand. You obviously don't know what I was saying.
W: No, I diiid. I can jerk off in 3 months if I want to from remembering this.
M: Only you would jerk off thinking about how efficiently your rotovap is working. Sicko!

*For any non-chemists that read this blog, of which I am currently unaware of, a rotovap is a super cool device we use to remove solvent from our product. You know when you cook meat in the oven too long, and it dries out. Well, the dried meat is our desired product, and the oven is working as the rotovap is. That's a bad example, but sufficient.


On a quasi-related sidenote, although it's never funny (mostly it's just gross) to walk in on someone beating off, wouldn't it kind of be funny to walk in on Wayne?

Also, lately he seems very much more open to talking about jerking off. This is in stark contrast to when I first met this man-child. Back then, he would get extremely angry if you asked him about it and just vehemetly deny it the whole time. Now though, he just rolls with the punches when you tease him and laughs in a very odd, creepy manner. Luckily he doesn't go into details about what kind of "pron" he watches. I have a feeling that he never jerked off in China and just started to in America. He's probably in that "15 year old" stage, jerking off every waking minute anyone's not around.

Back on Track

After taking a few months off from this blog, I've decided to get it up and running again. Certainly I have quite a few stories backlogged that will be readable when I have more time to put them all together. I've decided to write not only about the ridiculousness of Wayne, but also about anyone else that crosses my path. Let's get this party re-started!
I have been reminded quite frequently of Wayne's gayness (not that anything is wrong with being gay, but for a man that proclaims to be straight, well sometimes you just have to poke fun at him). Case in point - his computer background alternates between a closeup of a puppy and a picture of "GQ" Yao Ming. I could understand him putting a picture of Yao on his background, as all Chinese love Yao, but I would think that would be a picture of Yao doing what he is known for aka playing basketball, not modeling cologne in a leather sportscoat. He also thinks that Brandon Rush is the most attractive member of the KU basketball team. It is quite disturbing that he would admit something like that.
Although I joke a lot with him about being gay, he does have those "shining moments of straightness". This afternoon while we were doing our chemistry, he asked me about buying condoms, right out of the blue.
Wayne: Hey, I think that I'm going to buy some condoms.
Me: Ok, why you gonna have sex with your roommate? Or are you gonna give them to the people upstairs because they have sex all the time?
W: No, I just want to buy some because I never have. Can you get them from the Dillon's?
M: Yeah you can pretty much get them anywhere.
W: I don't think you can get them from the Dillon's, cause I went there before and couldn't buy find them.
M: Well some places keep them locked up and you have to ask someone to buy them.
W: Ok well I just want to go with you to buy some because I never have before.
M: I think it would be kinda homo-esque if we went together to buy them, but I guess I'll take you.
W: I won't try to hold hands with you, I promise.

Hey watch that thing!

The 4th of July. What a great holiday. BBQ-ing, beer-ing, fireworks-ing, and soccer-ing. So we had a bbq get-together yesterday, watching movies (Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade and Syriana, both good flicks) and kicking the soccer ball around. To set up the stories, know that Wayne loves soccer, plays every week, and played soccer in "high school" back in China. I believed him - of course who wouldn't? However I quickly discovered that he was full of shit, as not once during the 15 or 20 minutes of our "afternoon session" could he kick the ball directly to me. Needless to say, I got a good workout after I had already taken a shower for the day (luckily no sand in the vagina however).
Episode 2 begins at 930 pm, just when it's dark enough to do some damage with fireworks. Earlier in the day, we had convinced Wayne to buy some fireworks, although he was very reluctant to do so, claiming that they were "too dangerous" and that his "parents never let him play with fireworks as a kid". Although these statements are not hard to believe because Wayne sometimes is scared of things in life, one must also consider that he's Chinese! AND THE CHINESE INVENTED FIREWORKS! Needless to say, he bought 2 "cool" fireworks and a bunch of sparklers. Him and a 5-year-old were debating colors in the fireworks tent side-by-side. It was a pretty gay scene. Flash forward to the night. Wayne, being the nice guy he is, gives each of us a sparkler to light with him. We oblige, but then spend the next 5 minutes chasing him with the sparklers. He really is afraid of fireworks! Apparently he learned a lesson, because later in the night he again lit a sparkler, this time not handing any extras out. However, while he was whirling it around, he caught his neck with the end and slightly burned himself! That'll teach him to be afraid of fireworks, and not to buy gay-ass sparklers.

Diversity

-"The network is concerned about a lack of diversity, so there's going to be some changes. Does anyone know what diversity is?"
-"Well, correct me if I'm wrong, but diversity is an old, old wooden ship used in the Civil War."
-"Ron, I would be surprised if the network was concerned about a wooden ship."
Ok, this (very mishandled) quote was from Anchorman. What does this have to do with Wayne? To explain this, let's examine Wayne's phonetics (I think that means how he pronounces words). Wooden, pronounced by Wayne, has sort of an "ooooo" sound, like the O's in boobs.

-Hey man, today I was at the Dillon's, and I sort of bought a wooden ship.
-You bought a ship? Like a model?
-Um, yes, it's a wooden ship model.
-Oh, so you have to put it together, with like glue and stuff right?
-Um, yes I think so. See, that used to be my hobby back in China, kind of as a kid. I made the models of things.
-So now you're going to put together a ship?
-Yes.
-Ok cool. Well let me know how it goes then.

Next day:
-Hey man, I was going to put together that wooooden ship, and you know what, it was already put together when I took it out of the box.
-So you bought a model ship to put together, but it was already assembled in the box? Oh boy.
-Yeah, so I dont' know. That's all. See you tomorrow man.